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It's strange without the others...it's quiet...there are no distractions...nothing to stop me from taking Oliver's advice. He took me to one side and told me that all the other guys were going to leave for a few days. I tried to protest but he was having none of it. They had decided that I needed some time alone with Sandra to help me "find my focus again". More specifically, he told me to "look deep inside myself"...something I've always avoided doing. I don't want to do it...but I think I'm going to have to. I can't go on like this...all this confusion...doubting myself...doubting others. I'm at a crossroads - but do I have enough belief to choose the right road? Saying goodbye to the others was hard...harder than I had thought - even though it's only for a few days. Tweedy was the last to leave. He said goodbye to Sandra in the lab and she stayed down there whilst he came up to speak to me. He was furiously polishing his specs the whole time he was talking - it usually makes me smile, but not this time. He didn't really say a lot - stuttered his way through ordering me to take care of both Sandra and myself before telling me not to go down to the lab for a while - like I would! I'm not bloody stupid.

Of course, that left me alone...in the silence. I tried to do some work but I couldn't concentrate - I was too tense. I don't want to do this - don't want to "look into myself". I keep remembering that quote from Nietzsche: "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for too long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." I don't want to "look into myself"...I guess I'm afraid of what I might find. There could be anything looking back at me - anything from a monster to a total void. I was thinking about this when Sandra came up from the lab...she looked as uncomfortable as I felt. I guess the silence was getting to her as well. She threw herself on the sofa and sighed.

"What's wrong?" I asked and she shrugged.

"I can't concentrate," she replied and I immediately knew what she wasn't saying - she couldn't concentrate without Tweedy there. And that was my fault.

"He'll be back in a few days," I said quietly - so quietly that I don't think she heard me.

"I think we should make the most of this time," she continued and patted the sofa. With a sigh, I went over and sat next to her. She took my hand and I was aware of her looking at me.

"Peter," she said softly, "talk to me."

Well, I was afraid of this...but better do it now, get it over with.

"When you look at me," I asked, "what do you see?"

"I see Peter," she replied simply and I glanced briefly at her before looking down once more.

"Define Peter."

"Define Peter? Well now, let me see..." she paused for a moment, her thumb stroking my hand - which I found quite distracting. "Peter is a sexy, unshaven, adorable man who doesn't trust or believe in himself enough."

"With good reason," I replied, feeling somewhat reassured - I had expected a worse description.

"Peter? Would you do something for me?"

"Of course."

"Drop those barriers of yours and let me look into your eyes..."

I flinched at that - Sandra had obviously been reading the group emails. I know the others said I had nothing to fear but my head was full of "what if's"...what if she saw something she didn't like? What if I disappointed her? What if...

"Peter," she continued, "if you don't trust yourself yet...then trust me."

Trust? Yes - that was what this was all about. I took a deep breath and raised my head. For the first time, I sat there, mentally naked, letting her see everything I was. She didn't flinch...didn't look away...she smiled and gently ran her fingertips along my face.

"Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

I couldn't help it...I felt the tears...I tried to stop them - honestly I did. I couldn't though - they just flooded out. Sandra held me close and I buried my face in her shoulder.

"How can you look at me?" I asked when I had regained control somewhat.

"How can I not?" She replied. "Of course I can look at you, you great big lummox."

"But...things I've done...how can you..."

"Peter," she pulled back, looking into my eyes once more. "The past may be the past...and you know that I accept you and love you for who you are - not who you were. But you have to accept it, deal with it...and move on. If you don't you'll be stuck as this confused person who doesn't know how to believe in himself, trust in himself."

That was a catharsis - at that moment I knew that, although I trusted and believed in Sandra, in the final equation, it all comes down to me. I have to look within...I have no choice.

Anyway, I felt better than I had...being able to decide on a course of action does help clear the mind, but for the rest of the afternoon it was enough to just relax. We lounged on the sofa watching episodes of the "Doona and Ploo" show, enjoying and revelling in the fact that it was just the two of us. Sandra didn't return to the lab - she stayed with me. I think she realises how uncomfortable I still feel when she's not there. We ignored everything - the lab, the emails, the adoptions...everything. We just..."snuggled" is the word Sandra uses...interesting word...and then her hand sneaked inside my shirt so - yes James - we made the most of our time.

We're going to the Tweedy Club tonight - and I don't feel worried about it...I feel quite relaxed actually. Tomorrow is when it all starts...tomorrow is...tomorrow is when I start to face myself...and I hope that I can accept what I find.

 Entry ends.