Neither of us were up particularly early today - a late night at the Tweedy Club and an unconscious decision to make the most of our time alone was probably to blame. Anyway, after a sort of combined breakfast/lunch, Sandra disappeared down to the lab. I knew that, without Tweedy, it was unlikely that she would get much work done, but I'm not a bleeding idiot - it was all for my benefit.
The CAT had very kindly sent me some "relaxation music"...supposed to help me...bloody new age crap...didn't bother looking at it at first...assumed it was all sitting cross-legged and chanting "om". I mean, the thought was there...and it obviously helps some people...couldn't see that it was going to help me though. But, after looking at it for a while, I put it on - couldn't hurt, could it? Bloody strange noise. Then...I paced...pottered...and generally tried to avoid sitting down and actually thinking. But the thoughts still come, don't they? Still sneak into your mind - faces, places, situations...however much you try and bury them they will still come back - still haunt you until you consciously examine and accept every single one. So...I did. I sat down, closed my eyes and gave free rein to whatever memories and thoughts decided to come.
What I had to do was analyse them - in much the same way I used to analyse any particular situation I found myself in. Analyse it...explore all possibilities...choose a course of action and go with it. All the things I'd done...all the people I'd betrayed...no...betrayed is the wrong word. I had a job to do and I did it. A job I was very good at...a job I enjoyed. Did I enjoy it too much? No. The system efficiently weeds out those who gain a perverse pleasure in their work. Were my choices the correct ones? With hindsight...I could have played things differently, but who knows? I made the correct choices with the facilities and knowledge I had available to me at the time. So - logically there's nothing I have to worry about...logic dictates I did the right things...did what I had to do in order to survive. Logic is logic though - doesn't allow for the emotional response.
Emotionally, I never shut myself off. I allowed myself to get too involved. I should have remained detached...should have remained on the outside. That wasn't me though. The very fact that I could...use these emotions when I needed them...enabled me to be that much more successful at what I did. I knew exactly when to use emotion...and when to use logic. Probably why I was so good at working undercover. I was a past master at allaying suspicion. I could get people to trust me, accept me into their lives and then....bang. I blew it all to hell.
BUT that was what I did...why should I beat myself up about it? Why should I keep examining and re-examining stuff that I now have absolutely no control over? No...I'm not going to bury it again...it'll only, as Sandra once said, "come back and bite you on the ass when you least expect it." Acceptance will take time though. It's going to take time for me to come to terms with it all - but time is what I have. I have time...I have trust...I have belief...and I have friends. But, you know the best part? I don't just have trust and belief in others...I'm now beginning to trust and believe in myself...and that is an incredibly powerful, wonderful feeling.
I have Oliver's phone number...he gave it to me before he left. I could call him...tell him all's well...tell him that the guys can all come home now. I COULD...but I won't. You see, I'm going to be selfish. I'm enjoying this time so I'm going to make the most of it. Now, I'm going for a walk...I'm going to savour the air...go down to the beach...just...wander. When I get back, I'll cook us a wonderful meal (well, I have to - left to her own devices Sandra would exist on nothing but microwave meals and takeaways) and then we'll go to the Tweedy Club...see our friends.